When Tiwalade*, 31, got married, she wasn鈥檛 sure she wanted it. Three years in, she鈥檚 confronted many of the things she once worried about, including infidelity, emotional and financial abuse, and the feeling that she鈥檚 losing parts of herself.
In this week鈥檚 Marriage Diaries, Tiwalade shares how she ignored her instincts when her relationship moved too fast, the pregnancy that made her question whether she wanted to stay married, and why she鈥檚 now counting the days until she can leave.
Got a marriage story to share? Please听听and we鈥檒l reach out.
I never really wanted marriage
I wasn鈥檛 sure I鈥檇 ever get married, so I didn鈥檛 spend much time thinking about it. Don鈥檛 get me wrong, I loved the idea of love. My friends would even call me a hopeless romantic. I had so many romance novels that I used to rent them out to friends. But I also understood that what I read in books and watched in movies wasn鈥檛 necessarily real life.
My parents didn鈥檛 have a good marriage. They loved each other in their own way, but theirs wasn鈥檛 the kind of relationship that made you eager to get married. My mum used to say my dad only changed after they had children, and as he got older.
For a long time, I told myself I didn鈥檛 want to get married or have children. I imagined finding a companion and figuring out life together without necessarily getting married. That was what I wanted, but I never said it out loud.
Then I met my husband, and everything moved quickly. We dated for about six months and got married by the eighth month. He was very serious about marriage, and he made that clear from the beginning. The first time he met my parents, he told them he planned to marry me.
I remember we even had a small fight because that meeting was only supposed to be a casual visit. Looking back, maybe that was when I should have paid more attention. Once he decided he was ready for marriage, it started to feel like I was the one holding things up. Even my family told me that if I wasn鈥檛 ready, I should let him go.
Before the wedding, he was nice, patient and kind. Looking back, I feel like he hid his red flags well. From the first year of our marriage, I started regretting that I hadn鈥檛 listened to myself.
In these past few years, the only thing I haven鈥檛 experienced is physical abuse. I鈥檝e dealt with infidelity, emotional and financial abuse, gaslighting, everything you can think of. Sometimes, it feels like I鈥檝e been married for a decade. Then I remember it鈥檚 only been three years.
We started fighting almost immediately
I didn鈥檛 expect our problems to start so soon. From the stories I鈥檇 heard, the early years of marriage were supposed to be the sweet, peaceful part. Mine wasn鈥檛 like that.
The month we moved in together, we had a major fight while setting up the house. I wanted the bedroom to look a certain way, while my husband had a different idea. He reminded me that he鈥檇 let me design the kitchen however I wanted, and I didn鈥檛 like what I thought he was implying.
I asked if he was saying I should be confined to the kitchen because that was my place. I鈥檒l never forget his response: 鈥淲hose place is the kitchen if not yours?鈥
We shouted at each other and didn鈥檛 speak for about three days. Eventually, I was the one who apologised. I remember wondering if this was what our marriage would look like every time we disagreed.
Well, I was right. Since then, there鈥檚 always been one argument or another. Most of the time, I just find ways to keep the peace. I still feel like it鈥檚 too early to start involving other people in our marriage, so I鈥檝e mostly had to figure things out on my own.
Pregnancy made me question everything
The first time I seriously questioned whether I could stay in the marriage was when I got pregnant. I was very sick and didn鈥檛 understand what was happening to my body. My husband never said it directly, but I felt like my pregnancy irritated him. He moved into another room, and we didn鈥檛 have sex throughout the pregnancy. Whenever I tried to initiate, he had an excuse. I kept reminding him that we were still in the early stages and could have sex, but he didn鈥檛 want to hear it.
I started wondering if I could actually stay with him. At one point, I even had the dark thought of ending the pregnancy because I didn鈥檛 want to feel tied to the marriage. I don鈥檛 know if it was the hormones, but I remember feeling that way. What made everything more confusing was that he still showed up for me in other ways. He followed me to my hospital appointments, made sure I had everything I needed and even offered to get someone to help take care of me.
I couldn鈥檛 make sense of the contradiction. I eventually prayed about it and convinced myself I was probably overreacting. Somehow, the doubts passed.
Finding out about my husband鈥檚 affairs changed how I handle conflict
Late last year, I went through his phone. He鈥檇 been telling me he didn鈥檛 have money, and I knew he wasn鈥檛 being truthful, so I wanted to check his account balance or find something that would explain what was going on. When I finally got the chance, I didn鈥檛 find any debit or credit alerts. Instead, I found messages between him and two different women.
It wasn鈥檛 even the first time I鈥檇 suspected he was cheating. I鈥檇 once found a condom in his travel bag, but he managed to explain it away with a series of lies. This time, I had evidence, so I confronted him.
I still don鈥檛 know if there鈥檚 a right way to have a conversation like that, but it quickly became a heated argument. Instead of addressing what I鈥檇 found, he focused on my invasion of his privacy. He emotionally blackmailed me so much that I started wondering if I was the one who had done something wrong.
That experience changed how I approach certain conversations. I became much more careful about what I say and how I say it.
Now, he鈥檚 expecting a child with another woman. I found out from his phone again, but I pretended I didn鈥檛 know for a while. Eventually, I told my mum because carrying it alone had become too much.
She advised me to approach him gently. This time, he admitted that he鈥檇 had something to do with the woman but insisted he wasn鈥檛 the father of the child. I know he鈥檚 lying because I read their messages, and what I saw didn鈥檛 look like a fling.
That鈥檚 where we are now. He insists nothing is still happening between them, and I鈥檓 trying to be patient. But at this point, I鈥檓 counting the days until I can leave the marriage. I know my time is up.
I don鈥檛 recognise who I鈥檝e become
I鈥檝e lost parts of myself over the past couple of years. I鈥檓 quicker to anger now, and I wasn鈥檛 like that before. I鈥檓 constantly on the offensive because I feel like the other person is trying to get one over on me. I used to be slow to react, almost to a fault. Now, my husband has brought out a side of me I didn鈥檛 know existed.
It鈥檚 affected my relationships outside the marriage, too. Earlier this year, I spent a week at my parents鈥 house and found myself constantly shouting at my siblings or complaining about something. My mum eventually asked, 鈥淲hen did you become like this?鈥
That question stayed with me for the rest of my visit. I had to consciously stop myself from reacting to little things my siblings did. The funny thing is, they were things I would have laughed about before.
Having a child in the middle of all this hasn鈥檛 made things easier. Sometimes, I feel like I鈥檓 losing my mind. My baby could be throwing a tantrum while I鈥檓 already dealing with another issue with his dad, and it all becomes too much.
I can鈥檛 wait to feel like myself again.
I should have listened to myself
If I could go back, I鈥檇 tell myself to listen to that first instinct about wanting a companion instead of pushing myself towards marriage. Even now, I think about leaving once I鈥檓 financially capable of standing on my own. But I don鈥檛 know if it鈥檒l be as easy to do as it sounds in my head.
If I could advise my younger self, I鈥檇 tell her to listen to herself. Don鈥檛 let people talk you into making a decision because they think it鈥檚 right for you. I wish I had listened.
听*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Got a marriage story to share? Please听听and we鈥檒l reach out.
