Growing up, Abu*, 39, watched his father stand by his mother through difficult moments and learnt the kind of husband he wanted to become.
In this week鈥檚 Marriage Diaries, he shares how his parents shaped his expectations of marriage, why he has never doubted his choice of wife, and what he鈥檚 learning about respecting her boundaries with family
This is a look into his marriage diary.
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I learnt what love looked like from my parents
My parents have a really good marriage, and one of my clearest childhood memories is of my dad standing up for my mum when she had issues with his siblings.
I can鈥檛 remember exactly what happened, but words were exchanged. When my dad came home, he told us his siblings had accused my mum of feeding him charm. His response was something along the lines of, 鈥淭hey said she has fed me charm. Let her charm me. I like it like that.鈥
I was probably in secondary school, but those words stuck with me. They showed me how much my dad was willing to stand by my mum, regardless of what other people thought. He also took my siblings and me to school when my mum had a demanding job. He did it happily, without making it seem like a favour.
My mum can be troublesome sometimes, but my dad loves her all the same. Watching them made me want to be a kind husband who stands by his wife, even when things aren鈥檛 perfect.
My wife made it easy to become the husband I wanted to be
When I got married, I wanted to give my wife the kind of love I鈥檇 watched my dad give my mum. What I didn鈥檛 expect was how naturally it would come with the right person.
My wife is exactly my spec. She鈥檚 tall, light-skinned, easy-going, a great cook and ambitious. If someone gave me a 60-leaf notebook to write about her, I鈥檇 fill every page and still have more to say.
She brings peace to my life, so there鈥檚 very little I wouldn鈥檛 do for her. If it鈥檚 within my reach and I鈥檓 capable of doing it, I鈥檒l do it. Having a woman like her has made it easy to become the husband I always wanted to be.
I know how fortunate I am because some of my friends haven鈥檛 been as lucky in their marriages. Whenever we meet, there鈥檚 usually one complaint or another. One friend kept insisting that my wife couldn鈥檛 possibly be as good as I said she was. He would press me to identify her flaws, as though there had to be a hidden problem.
Eventually, I distanced myself from him because those conversations made me dwell on things I鈥檇 already accepted about my wife. Of course, she isn鈥檛 without her flaws, but I鈥檝e learnt to love her with her imperfections. I don鈥檛 need to manufacture problems because someone else finds it hard to believe I鈥檓 happy.
That certainty also shaped how I approached marriage. I wasn鈥檛 waiting for my wife or our circumstances to become perfect before committing to the life we wanted together.
We started small, but I never doubted my decision
I met my wife after NYSC, while I was still in a relationship with someone else. That relationship was abusive, and I stayed longer than I should have because I was afraid to leave. I still have her bite marks on my body.
From our first conversation, I felt a kind of peace I hadn鈥檛 experienced before. We didn鈥檛 start dating until two years after we met, but I鈥檝e never been more certain about a decision than I was when I chose to marry her.
My only real concerns were financial. I鈥檇 experienced humble beginnings and knew building a home came with responsibilities. But my wife reassured me that we didn鈥檛 need to have everything figured out before starting our lives together.
We spent our first year of marriage in a tiny self-contained apartment. Today, we live in a decent flat and are almost done building our own house. Looking back, those early years remind me that we didn鈥檛 need to start with much to build something meaningful together.
I was confident about the woman I鈥檇 married. What I hadn鈥檛 fully considered was that marriage would also bring me into a family whose expectations and behaviour were very different from what I knew.
My in-laws brought challenges I hadn鈥檛 anticipated
There鈥檚 a Yoruba saying about white pap coming out of a black pot, and I think about it whenever I compare my wife鈥檚 family with the one I grew up in.
Her relationship with her parents has always been difficult. Her father can be problematic, and her mother has her own issues. My wife often told me how relieved she was to be away from them, but nothing prepared me for dealing with them myself.
They constantly call us to do one thing or another, and their visits often come with problems. I鈥檝e had to be careful about how I deal with them because I don鈥檛 want to make things worse.
Last year, at a family event, my father-in-law got into a fight with one of my uncles over beer. It was embarrassing. I couldn鈥檛 exactly lash out at my father-in-law in front of everyone, even though I was unhappy with what happened.
My wife has considered cutting her parents off, but I鈥檝e often encouraged her to maintain some relationship with them. I believe family is family, and I鈥檝e always thought it鈥檚 better to establish boundaries than sever ties completely. I didn鈥檛 fully appreciate, though, that my wife鈥檚 reasons for wanting distance went beyond the disagreements I witnessed.
Trying to keep the peace sometimes put me between my wife and her family
Because I believed my wife should maintain some relationship with her parents, I often tried to mediate when things went wrong. She, however, felt she had finally escaped the environment she grew up in and didn鈥檛 want to keep exposing herself to it.
When we had our first child, she insisted that her mum shouldn鈥檛 come for omugwo. Her mother called me sarcastically and asked, 鈥淎re you the one telling my daughter that I shouldn鈥檛 come?鈥
I ended up bringing her mother over for a week, even though my wife hadn鈥檛 wanted her there. I worried her family would assume I was behind her decisions, so I tried to manage the situation myself. But I sometimes overstepped and made my wife feel I was choosing her family鈥檚 comfort over hers.
It became a recurring source of tension. I would try to mediate, my wife would feel I wasn鈥檛 listening, and we鈥檇 argue about a situation that started with her parents.
I鈥檝e since realised I can鈥檛 keep inserting myself into their relationship and expect things to improve. These days, I still call her parents and do my part as their son-in-law, but I鈥檓 more intentional about staying out of decisions that are my wife’s. If she says she doesn鈥檛 want them involved in something, I respect her wishes.
Love has to be supported by patience and understanding
After eight years of marriage, I still don鈥檛 know everything my wife experienced growing up. She rarely talks about it, usually just saying it was rough and explaining that it鈥檚 why she relates to her parents the way she does.
I try not to push her to share more than she鈥檚 comfortable with. But when her parents do something upsetting, I sometimes understand why she prefers to keep her distance.
I also think her upbringing affects how she parents our children. She鈥檚 a loving mother, but sometimes I feel she overcompensates for what she went through by being too lenient with them. I鈥檝e encouraged her to consider therapy and reminded her that she can be loving while still correcting the children when necessary. I try to be patient because I know there鈥檚 personal work she鈥檚 still doing.
Experiences like these have reinforced my belief that love is essential to marriage, but it can鈥檛 do all the work on its own. People who struggle in their marriages often love each other deeply. They may once have found it impossible to eat or sleep without thinking about each other, but that feeling alone won鈥檛 resolve every problem that comes with building a life together.
Love needs patience, kindness, respect, tolerance and trust to sustain it. You have to be willing to understand your partner, even when their experiences differ from yours, and recognise when your idea of helping might be making things harder for them.
I still believe love should come first. But after eight years of marriage, I know it鈥檚 the everyday choices we make around that love that help it last.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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