Na Me F—Up?: I Refused to Recommend My Brother for a Job

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Sometimes, life puts you in messy situations where you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing or not. That’s what Na Me F— Up? is about — real Nigerians sharing the choices they’ve made, while you decide if they fucked up or not.

When Mary* (28) refused to recommend her older brother for jobs, he accused her of wanting him to fail. But after a previous bad experience left her apologising to a client on his behalf, she wasn’t willing to risk her professional reputation for him.

At the end of this story, you’ll get to decide: did she fuck up or not?

This is Mary’s dilemma as told to Betty:

Growing up, I always felt like I had to work twice as hard as my older brother.

He’s talented and creative, but he’s never been particularly ambitious. He takes life as it comes and spends months talking about an idea without doing much to bring it to life. Somehow, no one ever seems to mind. I didn’t get that kind of patience.

When I failed JSS2 and had to repeat classes, my parents treated me like I’d committed a crime. They were disappointed, and they never let me forget it. After that incident, I felt like I had something to prove. I became very conscious of my grades, my choices and how I presented myself. I wanted to be the child my parents couldn’t find fault with.

That pressure followed me into adulthood. By the time I finished university and started working, I’d become someone who takes responsibilities seriously. I plan ahead, meet deadlines and stay intentional about the opportunities I pursue. I don’t have everything figured out, but I’ve worked hard to build a PR career I’m proud of.

My brother, on the other hand, is still trying to find his footing. He’s a designer with genuine talent, but his work ethic is questionable. He can be disorganised, difficult to reach and unreliable with deadlines. He’ll agree to do a job, disappear for days and return with an excuse.

I know all of this because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

During my service year, I recommended him to a friend who needed someone to design and print packaging for her business. I thought it was a good way to support my blood. They agreed on the scope of the work and a deadline, so I expected things to go smoothly.

Instead, my friend struggled to get updates from him. He’d take hours to reply to her messages or ignore them altogether. The deadline passed without delivery, and when he eventually delivered the work, it was late. My friend was understandably upset, and I had to apologise to her personally.

I was frustrated, but I didn’t want one bad experience to become a bigger issue between my brother and me. I told him what needed to improve; he apologised, and I moved on. I didn’t, however, recommend him for other jobs, even though my work brings me in contact with some big names.

Recently, he told me he needed more clients. He wanted me to share his portfolio and recommend him whenever I came across suitable opportunities.

I agreed, but I soon started wondering what would happen if I actually recommended him to someone.

These weren’t random people on the internet. They were people I knew, people I might have to work with again, and people whose opinions of me mattered professionally. If I recommended my brother and he delivered late or gave them a frustrating experience, it wouldn’t just be his reputation on the line. He was my brother, but I couldn’t vouch for his reliability, so I kept the portfolio to myself. Whenever he asked if I’d sent it to anyone, I told him no one had gotten back to me.

A few weeks later, he found out that I’d been asking around for a graphic designer and asked me why I hadn’t come to him. I tried to explain that he was the right fit for that particular job, but he wasn’t having it. He asked whether I’d even shared his portfolio with anyone. When I admitted that I hadn’t, he got angry.

He claimed that I didn’t want him to succeed. He also said that I was comfortable watching him struggle while I enjoyed the benefits of having a good job. He reminded me that he’s my older brother and that family was supposed to help each other.

That last part annoyed me because I’ve never refused to help him. I just don’t think helping someone means blindly recommending them for work they can’t handle.

I reminded him of what happened with my friend’s business. I explained that I needed to see some improvements in his work ethic before I could recommend him again. I just wanted him to take his work seriously.

He argued that I was judging him based on one bad experience and insisted he’d improved since then. Maybe he has, but I haven’t seen enough evidence to make me comfortable staking my professional reputation on that claim.

Now, what started as a disagreement between us has become a family issue.

My parents think I should have been honest from the beginning instead of making excuses. They agree that I shouldn’t lie, but they also think I could have done more to help him. My mum, in particular, feels that I’m being too hard on him. She keeps reminding me how difficult it can be to establish oneself in a career.

My friends see it differently. They think I did the right thing. If I’d recommended him and he disappointed the client, nobody would care that he was my brother. They would only remember that I recommended him.

It’s been several months, and my brother is still upset with me. Part of me wonders whether I’m holding him to a higher standard because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I had to work harder than he did. Maybe I’m also being unfair because I don’t want to feel responsible if he messes up.

But another part of me thinks that if he wants people to take him seriously as a professional, he needs to give them a reason to trust him.