On the Streets is a ÌÇÐÄÔ´´ weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Isaac* (26) is learning to slow down after a series of relationships taught him some hard lessons about love. In this episode of On the Streets, he opens up about what his experiences have taught him and the balance he hopes to find in the future.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I enjoy being single, but I miss having someone who holds me accountable. I tend to work harder and be more productive when I’m dating. Hopefully, I’ll find someone who balances me out.
What was your first relationship like? Walk me through your dating history
It was in 2018, during my first year in university. I was meeting a lot of new people, but a girl called Amina* caught my attention. Someone posted her picture on WhatsApp, so I asked for her number.
We realised we were in the same school, met the next day and spent hours walking around campus. We could only afford one drink between us, but I liked how easy it was for us to have a good time together.
I told her I liked her after a couple of days, and we started dating.
That was quick. How did the relationship go?
For the first time, I experienced true love. She was always on my mind, and I wanted to do everything I could to make her happy. It was the first time I’d ever had such deep feelings for someone.
But over time, the relationship became suffocating. Amina depended on me for almost everything. Beyond material things, she needed a lot of my attention and expected me to always be available. I’d even help her with assignments for courses I knew little about.
I tried to endure it at first. But it became a problem when her needs began to affect my other relationships. Once, my friends and I planned a staycation, but I had to leave early because she wouldn’t stop calling. Even ordering food could turn into a long phone call because she wanted me to help her decide what to eat. I was frustrated, but I really liked her, so I kept trying to make it work.
Our personalities eventually became another source of tension. I’m very jovial and have a lot of friends, while she was more reserved. She became uncomfortable with some of my friendships and accused me of being romantically involved with one of my female friends.
We had a heated argument about it, and she admitted she’d grown tired of the relationship. After a year and a half together, she broke up with me. I was shocked because I didn’t expect her to follow through.
How did you deal with the heartbreak?
It changed me a lot. I couldn’t understand how suspicion alone could be enough reason to end a relationship, so I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for her.
I also decided to forget about relationships until I had my life together. I wanted to make more money and focus on getting into tech and crypto.
As time went on and I started making money, I became more casual about dating. For almost two years, I got into casual situationships and spent a lot of time partying. Towards the end of 2022, I met Elizabeth*.
Tell me about Elizabeth. How did you meet?
We met at a club and really vibed that night. She had told a friend that she liked me, so I got her number and we started talking.
She was very clear that she wanted a relationship, and I felt ready to try again. We met on a Sunday evening. Exactly a week later, I took her out and asked her to be my girlfriend.
After only seven days?
I was focused on securing her. Elizabeth was a baddie, and I didn’t want to lose her to someone else. I figured we’d have enough time to get to know each other better during the course of the relationship.
But it didn’t take long for me to notice the red flags.
She made me her money bank. I funded her lifestyle and even had to get her an apartment. Then her requests extended to her family. Whenever her parents needed money, she’d ask me to help.
Hmm
I didn’t mind supporting her, but I started feeling like the arrangement only went one way. I helped her learn tech skills and even helped her land a contract. When she got paid, I watched her spend the money with her friends without thinking of doing anything for me. I started wondering if she was with me because of what I could give her.
She was also very sneaky. She’d lie about where she was and tell me half-truths. I hated feeling like I had to police her, and we argued about it constantly.
Then she started talking about marriage after university. Instead of feeling excited, I started dreading what a future with her would look like. I was scared that supporting her would eventually mean supporting her entire family, too. I tried to end the relationship several times, but she wouldn’t let go. In 2024, I started hooking up with someone else.
Oh. How did that happen?
It wasn’t planned. I was out drinking with friends, and I ended up hooking up with an acquaintance. I felt bad, but I didn’t regret it. What happened also made me realise that my feelings for Elizabeth were gone. I didn’t want to continue the relationship.
I broke up with her shortly afterwards.
Did you move on with the acquaintance?
No. For one, we’d agreed to keep things private, but she went about telling people we were together. I also wasn’t in a good place to start another relationship.
I was between jobs and didn’t feel mentally or financially secure enough to commit to another woman. Eventually, I ghosted her.
Sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to provide in relationships. Where does that come from?
It’s subconscious. As a man, I’ve always been taught that I need to be a provider. For a long time, I believed that if I couldn’t fully support my partner, I had no business being in a relationship.
But my last relationship changed that perspective. She showed me that the full responsibility of a relationship doesn’t always have to fall on me.
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I see. And who was this woman? Tell me about her
Her name is Faith*. We met earlier this year on Instagram. We were mutuals who had never interacted until she posted something that sparked a conversation.
Faith was different from the people I’d dated before. She was thoughtful without being asked. In March, I was travelling for work and kept complaining about back pain. Even though she was in a different city, she somehow arranged a massage session for me.
I felt so giddy because I’d never experienced someone doing those kinds of things for me. They were little gestures, but they meant the whole world to me.
She also pushed me to grow. She was ambitious, and she encouraged me to work harder and take on more projects. There was one project I’d been avoiding because I was scared of taking such a big step, but she motivated me to go for it.
That sounds like the perfect relationship
It was. But despite everything I admired about her, I wasn’t physically attracted to her. I tried to make myself feel differently because she treated me well, but I just couldn’t.
Whenever she talked about the future, I felt tense and guilty. Eventually, I became restless and started looking out. I ended the relationship after I came close to cheating. It wouldn’t have been fair to hurt her just because of how I felt. I’ve been winging it ever since.
So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I need to stop jumping into serious commitments. I’ve often rushed into relationships before really getting to know my partners or understanding our compatibility because I was afraid of losing the opportunity. I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I’d understood that earlier.
Most importantly, I’ve learnt that a relationship should have a meaningful impact on your life. It should help you grow and become a better person. Now, I’m hoping to find someone I can grow with.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10
5/10. It’s half and half. On one hand, I miss being in a relationship that made me a better person. On the other hand, I enjoy my freedom and having more time to spend with my friends.
For now, I’ve decided to focus on enjoying what’s left of my 20s. Hopefully, the right relationship will find me along the way.
3 in 4 salary earners make less than ₦200,000.
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