On the Streets is a 糖心原创 weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today鈥檚 world.
For Ayaan* (26), intimacy has always felt heavy with pressure. His first sexual encounter exposed struggles he didn鈥檛 understand, sending him into a spiral of reckless choices, obsession, and avoidance in a bid to 鈥渇ix鈥 himself. Now, after all those attempts have failed, he鈥檚 learning to confront his anxiety, rebuild his confidence, and redefine what love means to him.
What鈥檚 your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I鈥檓 single, and I鈥檝e been celibate since the second quarter of the year. It鈥檚 a personal decision because I have a complicated relationship with sex. I feel I need to understand myself before involving anyone else.
When did you realise this about yourself?
It clicked in 2020. I was 21 and in my final year of uni when I had my first real sexual relationship. Before that, I鈥檇 been with Faiza* for two years. She wanted to stay celibate, and I respected that, so we never got intimate.
Still, I didn鈥檛 think I鈥檇 have problems when the time came. I went to boarding school, so I was already very familiar with sex and masturbation. When I ended the relationship with Faiza, and started dating Dee* I didn鈥檛 expect any issues. I met Dee in a club through a mutual friend, vibed, and exchanged numbers. Then COVID hit, and we spent months talking and dating virtually. By the time school resumed, we鈥檇 already planned to sleep together.
How did that go?
I was very anxious and couldn鈥檛 get an erection the first time we tried. No matter what we did, nothing happened. We ended up kissing and cuddling, and I brushed it off. I told her I was just tired from travelling back to school that day, but deep down, I was confused and embarrassed because I鈥檇 already bragged to her.
Did you try again?
Yes, we did. We planned another date, hyped it up, but it happened again. It was awkward. I could feel her disappointment, even though she tried to be understanding. She said we probably just needed more time to get to know each other.
But the pressure was already in my head. The more I thought about it, the worse it got. Even when I managed to get hard, I couldn鈥檛 sustain it. Sometimes I鈥檇 lose it before we even started. Other times, I鈥檇 finish too quickly. It just made the whole thing sloppy and disappointing. What frustrated me the most was that masturbation wasn鈥檛 a problem.
How did that affect the relationship?
It strained things. I really liked her, but every failed attempt chipped away at me, and I found myself withdrawing. She started to wonder if I wasn鈥檛 attracted to her, and the frustration showed on both sides. Slowly, a distance grew between us. About five months later, she ended things. She said she wasn鈥檛 in the headspace for a relationship since we were graduating soon. She never mentioned the sexual issues directly, maybe so I wouldn鈥檛 feel worse, but I knew. I blamed myself. We broke up over text.
How did you handle the end of the relationship?
I couldn鈥檛 blame her. I was too ashamed to face it. But it made me feel ten times worse about myself. Even when I realised it wasn鈥檛 a physical problem and told myself it just hadn鈥檛 worked with her, I still beat myself up.
How did you realise the problem wasn’t physical?
I never confided in my guys. They were always boasting about their sex lives, and I knew they wouldn鈥檛 understand. I just stayed depressed. Everyone assumed I was just upset Dee and I broke up.
One night, my friends dragged me out to a party. They introduced me to a girl, and I got so drunk that we hooked up. To my surprise, I was able to sustain an erection, and it lasted long enough that I thought the problem wasn鈥檛 me after all.
That moment confused me even more. It made me think the issue with Dee had just been in my head. So I went on a spree to give myself that final confirmation.
What did that look like?
It wasn鈥檛 healthy. My guys weren鈥檛 the best influence either. We were in our last days in school and lived recklessly. They introduced me to this joint where you could meet women and pay 鈧5,000 – 鈧10,000 to sleep with them. At first, I was sceptical, but I eventually gave in.
I slept with a few women there. More often than not, I performed fine. I kept returning because I needed to 鈥済et it right鈥 once and for all, but I wasn鈥檛 comfortable. The fact that anyone could just walk in after me made me feel dirty. Healthwise, it was also very risky. Thankfully, we graduated soon after, and I left that life behind.
What happened after uni?
I was back home and wasn鈥檛 sexually active for a while. I played tennis on weekends to pass the time, and that鈥檚 how I met Kadija* in 2022.
She was beautiful, smart, and we bonded over the game. I liked her a lot, but I ran when things started looking serious. I literally ghosted her a month into our talking stage.
Why?
I was afraid. From our conversations, I sensed she was sexually active, and I was terrified of disappointing someone again. I couldn鈥檛 handle another Dee situation. So instead of risking it, I cut things off without explanation. I even avoided tennis altogether.
Of course, she was hurt. She kept asking what she did wrong, and I told her it wasn鈥檛 her fault. I used my NYSC deployment as an excuse to disappear. It felt like another breakup.
Sorry about that. How did you cope with that?
Ghosting her left me isolated again, and I turned to porn. At first, it was research. I thought if I could teach myself enough, I鈥檇 eventually overcome whatever was wrong. But it spiralled into an obsession. I became dependent on porn and masturbation, which made things worse.
Did you consider professional help at that point?
Not at the time. Since I鈥檇 been able to perform randomly, I convinced myself nothing was physically wrong. But deep down, I was embarrassed and scared to ask for help. Growing up in a traditional Nigerian household, I couldn鈥檛 imagine telling my parents I wanted to see a urologist because of sex. Even taking myself to the hospital felt impossible.
I tried to figure it out alone. My research led me to conclude I had performance anxiety.
Did this realisation change how you approached relationships?
Honestly, I was still more avoidant. Instead of addressing the problem, I just found ways to walk around it.
Towards the end of 2023, I met Lee* on Bumble. It was long-distance, which actually made me more comfortable. I felt like I wouldn鈥檛 feel too pressured with the space. We hit it off quickly. She was fun, bubbly, and very open. I really liked her. For the first time in years, I thought I could have a proper relationship again.
Did you meet in person?
Yes. Two months into the relationship.She came over around Valentine鈥檚. We went on a date, and when it got intimate, I couldn鈥檛 get an erection even with all the sexual boosters I鈥檇 used ahead. The only difference was that I didn鈥檛 let it consume me this time. We explored other sexual activities, and she didn鈥檛 seem bothered. That really relieved me.
But deep down, I felt guilty. Even though she reassured me, I overcompensated. I showered her with gifts, sent her money, and paid for her needs. I had just gotten a proper job but leaned into my savings to keep her happy. In my mind, I was grateful she wasn鈥檛 making me feel like a failure.
Yikes. Did that ease your anxiety at all?
Not really. The long distance actually made it worse. Every time she planned a visit, anticipation built up, and it crashed down harder when things didn鈥檛 work out. We had good sex sometimes, but those moments were rare.
Meanwhile, the relationship itself was toxic. Lee could be manipulative. If she got angry, she鈥檇 go silent on me. But I didn鈥檛 address it. I kept telling myself I should be grateful to have someone willing to manage me.
Then, around September 2024, after I did some digging, I found out she was cheating. She actually had another boyfriend she鈥檇 been dating even before me. At first, I didn鈥檛 even confront her because I felt indebted to her. But resentment started building.
When I finally brought it up in November, her reaction crushed me. In the heat of an argument, she threw my performance issues in my face. Although she apologised, but it never left me. That was when I realised I鈥檇 been ignoring the red flags because I thought my issues meant I didn鈥檛 deserve better.
I hope that was the turning point for you.
It was. I decided I couldn鈥檛 keep running from the issue. If I didn鈥檛 fix my confidence and my relationship with sex, I鈥檇 keep repeating the same cycle. It was a painful breakup, with months of back-and-forth, but I finally cut her off in March this year.
Walking away made me realise I needed to stop relying on relationships to validate me. Since then, I鈥檝e started working with someone I found online, who went through the same thing. He鈥檚 not exactly a therapist, but he鈥檚 helping me unpack my anxiety, addictions, and confidence issues. That鈥檚 a big part of what led me to the decision to stay celibate for now.
Great. How have all these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I鈥檝e realised love has to start with yourself. You can鈥檛 pour from an empty cup. If you don鈥檛 love yourself, you鈥檒l keep falling into toxic cycles and accepting less than you deserve.
When I start dating again, I鈥檒l be more honest and upfront. Looking back, things might have been different if I had been open instead of avoidant. There鈥檚 still hope that once I work through my issues, I can be a better partner.
So, how would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
5/10. For me, it鈥檚 50/50. I thought I鈥檇 miss love and sex when I stepped away, but I surprisingly don鈥檛 feel bad. It was fun while it lasted, but I鈥檓 not about that life for now.
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