Get in here, guys. We鈥檙e leaving the trenches behind.
Everyone can鈥檛 stop talking about Inkblot Productions and Netflix鈥檚 new show, Far From Home, and we totally get it. The young-adult series created by Chinaza Onuzo follows Ishaya Bello, a poor boy from Isale Eko who鈥檚 down to do anything to japa from the trenches and become a superstar artist.
If just like Ishaya you鈥檙e tired of living in severe sapa, then this article is for you. Here鈥檚 a list of the easiest ways to make bastard money and escape the trenches before 2023. Take notes.
Don鈥檛 be born a Nigerian
Everyone in Nigeria is in the trenches and the last time we checked, you don鈥檛 have two heads. Your problem started the day you were born Nigerian. When next you鈥檙e choosing to be born, please and please, ask the angel to redeploy you somewhere else. Don鈥檛 choose +234 for your own good.
Be born rich
If you mistakenly end up being born into a Nigerian family, the least you can do is make sure it鈥檚 a rich one. See, if your parents are poor, today is a good day to disown them and look for new ones. No hard feelings. They鈥檒l support your decision if they truly want the best for you.
Enter the oil and gas business
If Otedola can make money from oil and gas, what鈥檚 stopping you from becoming a billionaire too. All you need to do is start selling cooking gas and then small palm oil or vegetable oil on the side. See how simple it is? And to think everyone makes oil and gas sound like some exclusive big boys club. Don鈥檛 worry, I鈥檝e hacked it for you.
Please, fast and pray
Ishaya did everything but fast and pray. How do you want to escape the trenches when you鈥檙e not a prayer warrior? What God cannot do does not exist.
Try a lirru bit of kidnapping
Everyone knows streets aren鈥檛 safe during the ember months, so how about using that to your advantage by stepping into your kidnapping bag. With all the IJGBs everywhere, after two or three kidnapping adventures, who knows, you might be buying a house in Banana Island by January.
Become an artist
Note how I didn鈥檛 ask you to learn how to draw or paint? I said, 鈥淏ecome an artist鈥 because there鈥檚 levels when it comes to this art thing 鈥 talent is one thing, while packaging is another thing. People that just draw and paint are still in the trenches like Ishaya鈥檚 father, but you see 鈥渁rtists鈥? Omo, those ones are like Essien, touring the world and cashing checks.
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Manifest Dangote鈥檚 money into your account
Why spend all your time working for money when you can just manifest Dangote鈥檚 money into your account? This is what we mean by working smarter, not harder. Dangote has done all the work, so just go out into the rain or light candles and manifest everyday until your account balance increases.
Become a sugar baby
Falling in love is a great feeling. But you know what feels better, and could help you leave the trenches? Finding a glucose guardian that has bastard money. You might have to give some sugar here and there like Adufe on Far From Home, but at least you won鈥檛 have to choose between warming the beans from yesterday or drinking garri without milk and sugar.
Like Shakespeare Davido once said, 鈥淟ove is sweet o, but when money enter, love is sweeter.鈥
Create your own currency
If CBN can use Snapchat filters to design Nigeria鈥檚 currency, who says you can鈥檛 make your own currency? All you need is ink and plenty of A4 paper. Good luck!
Plan a dinner with Jay Z聽
Everyone on Twitter is always talking about how dinner with Jay Z is more valuable than $1m, and they鈥檙e not wrong. You don鈥檛 need money to be bastardly rich and escape the trenches; you need little nuggets of wisdom from Beyonc茅鈥檚 husband.
ALSO READ: Seyi Vibez Misses the Trenches But Doesn鈥檛 Regret Leaving
