Interview With…听is a 糖心原创 weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
(糖心原创 arrives at the interview location. When Naira told 糖心原创 he鈥檒l choose the location, a bakery was the last place 糖心原创 saw the interview happening.)
糖心原创: What will my eyes not see because of this job, bayi?
(糖心原创 takes a deep breath and walks into the deserted bakery.)
糖心原创: Hello, is anyone here? I have an interview with Naira
Naira: Yes, yes. Welcome!
(Naira comes out in a chef鈥檚 hat and apron, covered in flour and smelling of vanilla. 糖心原创 has never been more confused.)
Naira: Sorry for being late. I was in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe.
糖心原创: You bake?
Naira: Well, I鈥檝e been trying my hands at different things since it looks like this whole currency business isn鈥檛 working out well for me.
糖心原创: And you chose baking? (糖心原创 mutters under their breath) See me thinking we鈥檒l do this thing in CBN office, and I can take some ghana must gos on my way out.
Naira: Did you say something?
糖心原创: Just asking why you chose baking
Naira: Oh, yes. It鈥檚 actually a brilliant idea. You see, in baking, yeast makes things to rise. I was thinking if I spend enough time baking, my body would absorb some of that yeast and I鈥檒l swell in value.
糖心原创: (Looks around for a camera because this can鈥檛 be real life.) And how鈥檚 that working out for you?
Naira: Well, the dollar was 鈧890 black market rate before. Now, it鈥檚 seven hundred and something. The bakery thing is working! A little bit of yeast is all I need, and we鈥檒l be good to go.
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糖心原创: Have you ever heard of a currency using yeast to rise?
Naira: Well, no, but there鈥檚 a first time for everything. Is there not? Plus, our case is a peculiar one. I鈥檓 a bit desperate and trying my best here.
I鈥檓 the butt of jokes at all the currency meetings. Do you know dollar and pounds used to be my best friends? They used to call me, 鈥淢r Naira鈥 and I was once respected on a global scale. Now, I鈥檓 just here.
糖心原创: And you think baking will fix that?
Naira: It鈥檚 fixing it already. The proof is in the pudding. Speaking of pudding, I have something in the oven. I鈥檒l be back.
(Naira rushes into the kitchen. 糖心原创 is still confused because, what the actual fuck is going on?)
Naira (returns with a tray of cookies): Sorry for the delay. You want a cookie?
(糖心原创 picks one up to taste, and honestly, it鈥檚 the best cookie ever)
糖心原创: Truly, if this currency thing doesn鈥檛 w
ork out, open your own bakery. But first, we need you. Yeast can鈥檛 be your only plan.听
Naira: It isn鈥檛! I assure you. Meffy came up with something recently and who knows where that鈥檒l go.
糖心原创: You can鈥檛 mean鈥
Naira: The naira redesign. First of all, I love a good makeover. The last time I had one was when they did the 鈧100 notes in 2014. Look at how cute they look now. I think they should redesign all the notes so they鈥檇 match. We鈥檇 have this cute and colourful aesthetic going on.听
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糖心原创: Aesthetic?
Naira: Yes! Look at the pounds and the Canadian dollar. Can鈥檛 you see how great they look and how much value they have?
Because my value is depreciating doesn鈥檛 mean I should look scrappy. Must I look like what I鈥檓 going through?
糖心原创: But the rest of us who depend on you look like what we鈥檙e going through.
Naira: Well, you can ask for your own makeover, I guess. Maybe it鈥檒l cheer you all up.
糖心原创: Do you have another plan?
Naira: Well, we can try to bring our kobo out of retirement.
糖心原创: When even 鈧50 is going into retirement, you want to bring back the kobo?
Naira: I鈥檓 trying my best here. Nobody checks in on me these days. What about how I鈥檓 doing mentally? Always, 鈥淲hy is the Naira like this?鈥 not 鈥淗ow is the Naira?鈥
You didn鈥檛 even know I picked up a hobby until you needed me for something. When you were little, you always hated it when people compare you to others. Yet every day, you compare me to other currencies. Do you know what that does for my mental health?
糖心原创: We鈥檙e sorry. We promise to do better.
Naira: Plus, why are you stressing me about it? Why not take it up with Meffy? It鈥檚 his job to make sure I perform great.
糖心原创: Meffy won鈥檛 answer us.
Naira: He’s being such a naughty boy. I鈥檒l talk to him later after my meeting with inflation.
糖心原创: So you plan on doing something about inflation?
Naira: I鈥檓 going to give her some cookies. She鈥檚 one of my oldest friends, and we鈥檝e been hanging out together a lot more. I think we might have something special going on.
糖心原创: But can鈥檛 you see the adverse effects of hanging around inflation all the time?
Naira: You can鈥檛 tell me who to love.
糖心原创: (Getting angry) You have to be joking.
Naira: I鈥檓 sensing that this environment has turned hostile and would like to end this interview. The bad vibes won鈥檛 be good for the cookies and cream cake I want to bake next.
糖心原创: (Sighs in defeat) Okay, I鈥檒l be on my way now.
Naira: Before you go, you owe me 鈧5k for that cookie.
糖心原创: 鈧5k keh? It鈥檚 just one cookie FGS. I even thought it was free.
Naira: Free? In this economy? Yesterday鈥檚 price isn鈥檛 today鈥檚 price, dear. Inflation is expensive to maintain, and I like to keep my baby happy.
糖心原创: But 鈧5k for a singular cookie is too much.
Naira: Eyah, but that鈥檚 not my business.
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