Interview With…Ā is a ĢĒŠÄŌ““ weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““ walks into the ICU. National Grid is on the bed, hooked up to various machines. Nurses are walking in and out, connecting inverters and setting up oil IVs. A nurse tells ĢĒŠÄŌ““ to sit down.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Sorry, when I was told to come for the interview, I didnāt know heād be in the hospital.
Nurse: Yes, we hoped heād be stable by this time, but his blood pressure suddenly spiked.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Do you think I should leave? I can come back later when heās feeling better.
Nurse: No, stay. He really wants to do this interview. When I informed him he needed rest, he threatened to make our hospital the only building without light. He just needs a little rest, and heād be back up in no time. Just try not to stress him too much. I donāt want stress.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Iāll try my best.
Nurse: Okay then, weād be leaving you here. *points to a red button by the bed* That button there leads straight to the nurses’ room. Please press the bell and let us know if you notice any unusual behaviour.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Absolutely. No problem.
(Nurse leaves and ĢĒŠÄŌ““ starts to binge while waiting for the National Grid to wake up)
Two and a half hours later
National Grid: Wā¦ w-water.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: (Rushes to give NG a glass of water) Are you okay? Need anything else?
National Grid: You donāt look like the nurse.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: The only thing I nurse is heartbreaks, sis. My name is ĢĒŠÄŌ““. You said you wanted an interview and then gave me this address. I wouldnāt have agreed to come if I knew you were in intensive care.
National Grid: I had a feeling. Itās one of the reasons I didnāt tell you.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Hmm. Whatās so important that you made me come to interview you in a hospital?
National Grid: Well, you are known for giving a voice to the voiceless. I have read your interview with Twitter, Nigeriaās Coat of Arms and the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. I know you have what it takes to tell my story.Ā
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Thank you for trusting us.
National Grid: Thank you for coming to an unknown address without asking questions but what if I was a kidnapper?
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Youād have returned me back o. Do you want to buy market?
National Grid: Why am I not surpised?
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Letās be asking the right questions. I promised the nurse Iāll try not to stress you. Tell me why Iām here.
National Grid: I wish my bosses were as kind as you. Maybe if they were, I wouldnāt have as many problems as I currently have. Do you know that Iām growing grey hair already? Iām not old enough to have grey hair.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: How old are you, letās check.
National Grid: Honestly, thatās not the point. ĢĒŠÄŌ““, Iām overworked like a Nigerian man named Kunle on the way to his fifth girlfriend in the week. But at least Kunle is enjoying something. What do I have?
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Clearly not enough girlfriends.
National Grid: (disappointed sigh) My job is to provide electricity for the nation. Since youāve been alive, when have you had 24 hours of light? Yes, itās a rhetorical question. Thereās no light. Do you know what itās like to be created with a purpose but be unable to actually fulfil it. My lifeās dream is to have enough light to power a nation, but I canāt. Iām a failure!
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: So when Pheelz said electricity, vibes on a frequency, that was your sub?
National Grid; I thought you were niceā¦
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Sorry.
National Grid: How am I supposed to show my face amongst my peers? My employers just keep demanding I work. They donāt care about my mental or physical state. The day before my last collapse, do you know I had not eaten? I even trekked to work that day because I didnāt have money for bus.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Sorry. Is that why youāve been collapsing lately? Hunger?
National Grid: Yes! This is more than a 9-5 for me. Itās my whole life. Itās all Iāve known and all Iāll know, but I canāt keep trying to sustain based on what we currently have. If you try to provide electricity for about 200 million people, wonāt you collapse?
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: I definitely will frequently be on vibes.
National Grid: “ܾ±°ģ“Ē°ģ“Ēā¦&²Ō²ś²õ±č;
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Sorryā¦
National Grid: High blood pressure, anxiety, depression, high cholesterol, diabetes and arthritis. Those are all the sicknesses Iāve been diagnosed with. I can barely do any work without collapsing.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: With all due respect sir, youāre a machine
National Grid: *starts vibrating offendedly* Even machines fail sometimes. This is Nigeria.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Donāt be angry. Have you tried telling your boss to hire assistants for you? Maybe go on leave?
National Grid: You, when last did you go on leave?
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Thereās no need for all this.
National Grid: Why are you acting like you donāt know the kind of people my bosses are? Iāve been begging them for years. They mentioned hiring someone called Kanji Dam, but I havenāt seen nkankan. Where is she? One day Iāll collapse and wonāt be able to wake up. I wonder what theyāll do then.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Not wake up ke? We will suffer.
National Grid: Thatās actually not my problem. Itās not like thereās light when Iām not in the hospital. Youāre used to the darkness.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: But still. What is a country without its National Grid?
National Grid: I donāt know, but Iād be dead. So I wonāt be able to find out.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: So you brought me here to warn me about your death? Am I a lawyer? Shouldnāt you be drafting a will?
National Grid: A lawyer means only my family will know. They might be planning to coverup my death. I brought you here to tell you that I donāt think I have much time left. I donāt want to die, but Iām prepared if it happens.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Itās giving the last supper.
National Grid: ĢĒŠÄŌ““, Iām sick. Just make sure you go far and wide. Spread word of my physical state!. Tell them I will probably collapse a couple more times, so they better buy plenty of fuel.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Omo.
Nurse walks in
Nurse: Just here to check his vitals and make sure heās doing okay.
After vitals are done, National Grid falls asleep. ĢĒŠÄŌ““ is left with the nurse
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Tell me, honestly, will he be able to make it?
Nurse: Heās stronger than he looks, but old age and stress are really telling on him.
ĢĒŠÄŌ““: Omo.
Nurse: Letās hope when he gets discharged, I wouldnāt have to see him here.
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