All Nigerians are the same. There might be several ethnic groups and religions between us, but there are certain attributes we all share that make us similar. It’s even worse when you’re a Nigerian parent.
We鈥檝e concluded that there must be a school everyone goes to learn how to 鈥減arent鈥 before they have children and we鈥檙e here to tell you everything they teach in that school.
Here鈥檚 a list of Topics in the syllabus of Nigerian Parents’ Schools.
How to blame your child for the mistakes you made.
As a parent, when you make a mistake, you must realise that parents cannot make mistakes. It’s simply impossible.
What’s the next best thing? Finding a way to blame your child. I mean that’s what our parents do, right? Say you鈥檙e looking for your glasses and you become frustrated. All you need to do is shout at the top of your voice and ask your child why they can鈥檛 help you look for your glasses, even though they didn’t know you were looking for your glasses.
When they protest with, “But I didn’t know…” Say something like, 鈥淪o you could not think that I might misplace my glasses and help me keep it somewhere abi?鈥 And when they point out you’ve been wearing your glasses all along, blame them for putting it on your face without your knowledge.
How to shout at the top of your voice.
If you don鈥檛 shout, you鈥檙e weak. You must shout even if they鈥檙e right next to you. Show dominance.聽
It’s always your child’s duty to get the remote next to you.
After having a child and breastfeeding them, you should never work again. When there鈥檚 a remote beside you, and you need to change it from African Magic Family to African Magic Yoruba, please don鈥檛 pick it. If you鈥檝e shouted for your child to come and get it and they don鈥檛聽hear, pick up your phone from right beside the remote, and call them. When they get there tell them to help you pass the remote. Parenting 101
Up your sarcasm game.
Sarcasm shows intelligence, and you鈥檙e intelligent. There’s also no better way for a child to learn than fear. Say things like, 鈥淐ome and put it on my head na,” when your child asks an innocent question on where to put something you’ve asked him to get. And when they tell you they鈥檙e hungry as you cook, say something like, 鈥淎s you can see, I’m playing here.” Then there鈥檚 the classical, 鈥淥h, so I’m stupid? ehn? Answer me, am I stupid?”
Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop
There must be a chore in the house for your child even when they’ve done all possible chores. So find something for your child to do. Work builds character.聽
How to beat children to the rhythm of their voice.
When you鈥檙e beating your child for staring too long at a visitor鈥檚 food, make sure the beating rhymes with their voice as they cry. It鈥檚 nice to have some fun in this world of stress.
How to keep money for your children
When your children get money from their uncle, tell them you want to help them keep it so that nobody steals it. Then proceed to steal it. When they ask for it in the future, say these words 鈥淎ll the food you鈥檝e been eating in this house, did you pay for it鈥?
