Growing up as the only girl among boys can mean very different things. For some girls, it means having brothers who look out for them and parents who treat them no differently. For others, it means being expected to cook, clean, and care for their brothers simply because they are girls.
In this article, we spoke to 10 women about what it was like growing up as the only daughter in their families, and how those experiences have shaped their relationships with their parents and brothers.
1. 鈥淪he Didn鈥檛 Place Any Pressure on Me Simply Because I鈥檓 a Girl鈥 鈥 Okiki*, 26
As my parents’ only daughter and my brothers鈥 youngest sibling, I was heavily spoilt. I grew up not knowing how to do a lot of things because the home I came from did not believe in the concept of letting their daughter suffer while the boys enjoyed. Our parents employed maids so we, their children, wouldn鈥檛 have to lift a finger, and my mum, unlike most of my friends鈥 mothers, did not display double standards when it came to my brothers and me. She didn鈥檛 put me in charge of taking care of my brothers; she never asked me to cook for my brothers, because she expected them to know their way to the kitchen, and she ensured that she didn鈥檛 place any pressure on me simply because I鈥檓 a girl. She and my father treated my brothers and me equally, and I never felt out of place because I was their only daughter.
2. 鈥淚f They Got Into Trouble, I Got the Lashings鈥 鈥 Dami*, 30聽
I have younger twin brothers, and I鈥檓 the first child and only daughter. My dad didn鈥檛 treat my brothers and me differently, but my mum was a different story. I only have a 2-year age gap with my brothers, and yet I became responsible for them even before I could define responsibility. I had to take care of them, wash their clothes, cook for them, and if they got into trouble, I was the one who would get lashings from my mother. I never had a moment of peace in my life because of my brothers.
When they grew up, you would think they would start taking responsibility for themselves, but I was still the one who had to cook for them and take care of them because my mum couldn鈥檛 wrap her head around the idea of her baby boys doing domestic chores when their sister was around. I resented her and my brothers for this, and the moment I started earning a comfortable income, I moved out and didn鈥檛 look back. I barely visit home these days because I can鈥檛 even bear to look at my mum without resentment bubbling in me.
3. 鈥淏ecause of My Mum, I Have a Weird Relationship With Boys鈥 鈥 Chidera*, 24
My mum likes to say that she treats my brother and me equally, and while she might be right to an extent, I can鈥檛 forget all the times she would tell me things like 鈥渄on鈥檛 let men touch you, or else you鈥檒l get pregnant鈥 or 鈥渕ake sure not to befriend any boy鈥 before I even knew what sex was, but she or my dad never gave my brothers any sort of sex education. They were allowed to befriend girls in their classes while I avoided boys throughout primary school because I was convinced that if they touched me, I would immediately get pregnant.
I also remember when I was 13, and my mum slapped me and seized my phone for six months because I was talking to a male friend, but she didn鈥檛 extend that same energy to my younger brother when we found out that he had a girlfriend he鈥檇 been giving all his feeding allowance to. I don鈥檛 hate my mum, but because of her, I have a weird relationship with boys and intimacy, and it鈥檚 taking me a while to unlearn.
4. 鈥淭he Bullying I Faced Was Traumatising鈥 鈥 Lola*, 25
I have two elder brothers who are four years older than me, and the bullying I faced at their hands while growing up was so traumatising. One minute we could all be laughing together, and the next, one of them is beating me so badly you would think they genuinely hated me. As much as the beatings left my body in pain afterwards, that鈥檚 not the hurtful part of all of this. What hurts the most is when I go to my mum in the hope that she will provide comfort and reprimand my brothers, but she never does. She would tell me to stop crying because I鈥檓 no longer a baby, and she would remind me that my brothers act like that because that鈥檚 how boys act. That seriously messed me up as a teenager, and even though I鈥檓 still very much in contact with my mother and brothers, I sometimes resent them for what they did to me. I was a child, and I didn鈥檛 deserve that.
5. 鈥淚 Was Allowed to Be a Useless Girl鈥 鈥 Olivia*, 21
I don鈥檛 think growing up among brothers affected me like that, but I think it鈥檚 because my parents didn鈥檛 treat anyone differently. I was allowed to be a girl who just existed on her terms. I didn鈥檛 have to be responsible for any of my brothers because my parents expected all of us to figure things out on our own.
I was allowed to be a useless girl, and according to society standards, that meant a girl who didn鈥檛 know how to cook, do her laundry or clean the house. Basically, my parents raised me the way they raised my brothers. They didn鈥檛 place any unnecessary pressure on us to do household chores, and it wasn鈥檛 until after secondary school that I felt I needed to learn to cook for myself.
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6. 鈥淓veryone Avoided Me Because of My Brothers鈥 鈥 Mary*, 21
Growing up, I hated having brothers. They took on this role of protective bodyguards who literally chased people away from my life. They would see me talking to a boy and go behind my back to threaten him to stay away from me. I couldn鈥檛 even have a boyfriend because they either roughed him up or snitched on me to my parents.
Almost everyone at my school and on my street started avoiding me because they were afraid of what my brothers would do to me. I know some might think having protective brothers is nice, but they have never cried at night, praying to God to kill them because no one wanted to be friends with the girl with feral elder brothers.
7. 鈥淚 Feel Like a Discarded Child They Don鈥檛 Want鈥 鈥 Amina*, 20
I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and I always felt out of place at home because it felt like my parents loved them more than they loved me. They always denied it, of course, but I could see that they had favourites, and it was never me. My dad would get my younger brother anything he wanted, but if I asked for the same thing, he would start coming up with reasons why he couldn鈥檛 buy it for me.
My elder brother lost his phone, and my mum easily got him a replacement, but when I lost mine, it took her a whole month to get me a replacement. I don鈥檛 feel like I can rely on my parents because they don鈥檛 seem to love me in any way. They obviously see my brothers as some sort of blessing, but I feel like a discarded child that they don鈥檛 want.
8. 鈥淚 Didn鈥檛 Have to Hide a Part of Myself From Them鈥 鈥 Julia*, 26聽
My parents were barely involved in my brothers’ and my lives because they were so busy putting food on the table, so we only had each other to rely on most of the time. Because of that, I learnt a lot from them. I struggled a lot with my identity and sexuality right from a young age, and I always felt like I had no one to talk to.
Our society already perceives people like me as immoral, and I was scared of letting anyone know that I preferred to kiss girls rather than boys. However, my first brother found out about it, and instead of shaming me, he talked to me and let me know that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. My other brothers also talked to me, and I remember starting to feel relaxed enough to tell them about the girls I liked. Because of them, I didn鈥檛 feel like I had to hide a part of myself from the people I love, and I learnt a lot from them, too.
9. 鈥淚t Was Forbidden to Talk to My Brothers Casually鈥 鈥 Tolu*, 27
Having brothers as the only daughter was more of a curse than a blessing because it exposed me to how much our society would sacrifice for its boychild. It was like I was birthed to serve my brothers. My parents expected it from me; my relatives would call me lazy if they saw my brother going to the kitchen to cook, and the women in my life looked at me with disgust if I so much as asked why I had to cook for my brothers when their hands were working well. It was even forbidden for me to talk to my brothers casually because, apparently, that鈥檚 disrespectful by societal standards, and that just never made sense to me. If my brothers speak casually to me, it鈥檚 normal, but if I do, I lack respect? How does that work?
10. 鈥淚 Don鈥檛 Know Why I Have to Be a Housemaid for Them鈥 鈥 Cynthia*, 29
I didn鈥檛 realise that my parents were raising my brothers and me in unconventional ways until we started letting relatives live with us. I didn鈥檛 realise it was a girl’s job to cook for her brothers when they were hungry until my aunt, who was living with us, started berating me for not cooking for them. That was what grated on me in particular because if I was hungry, I had to cook, but if my brothers were hungry, it was still me who would cook. I never got that because I grew up with my brothers cooking for me whenever they cooked their meals. I鈥檓 not a fan of cooking, and my parents never shamed me for it, but my aunt suddenly started judging me for it, and that exposed me to the double standard that only daughters actually face in their homes. It does not make sense that I have to be a housemaid for my brothers. That鈥檚 not why my parents gave birth to me.
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