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Moderator: We often hear endless arguments about which is better between Port Harcourt (PH) bole and Lagos bole (boli). Today, we have invited both plantains to ����ԭ�� HQ to debate for the bragging rights of “Best Roasted Plantain”.

There are two rounds. In the first round, both parties will each get to present their arguments to the judges. They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best roasted plantain win.

PH Bole, you’re up first.

(PH Bole walks to the stand) 

PH Bole: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is roasted plantain, popularly known as “bole”, and I’m here to defend the motion that PH bole is the best roasted plantain to ever exist. 

Boli (interjects): That’s not the motion! We’re here to argue which roasted plantain is the best.

PH bole: That’s basically what I said.

(Boli rolls their eyes)

PH bole: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’d like to state that, first of all, the correct way to spell and pronounce it is B-O-L-E and not B-O-L-I. Lagos tried to be different by spelling their own with an “I”, but clearly, the “I” stands for “inferior”. 

I believe I’m the best roasted plantain because everyone likes me. If you check the comments of all the Instagram and Twitter posts I appear in, you’ll see people talking about how much they want and crave me. They love me, not just because of my soft, well-roasted exterior, but also because of the people I surround myself with — people such as roasted fish, pepper sauce, snail, vegetables etc.

Dear judges, some people love me so much, they’re willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get me. See exhibit A below. You see, I’m a hot cake. Can Lagos say the same? 

(PH walks back to their seat as Lagos walks to the stage) 

Lagos Bole : Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper, and moderator. My name is Boli, and I’m here to defend the motion that Lagos’ roasted plantain is the best. 

(Bole rolls his eyes)

My opponent came on stage and bragged about how everybody likes them and how they’re a “hot cake”. But not once did they mention their usefulness to the people who love him. See, I bring people together: co-workers who go out to buy me and bond away from work, parents who make their children happy by giving me as a snack to their kids, etc. 

PH Bole: I do all of that too!

Lagos Boli: Excuse me, I’m speaking.

PH Bole: 

Lagos Boli: Also, people love me for me. I don’t need extras around to make people want me. I’m a hot cake on my own. Although sometimes I have my friend, groundnuts, with me. Plus, I’m very friendly and not proud; that’s why anyone can make me at home and can afford me outside. Can’t say the same for my Port Harcourt brother who needs fish and snail and other senrenren to be great. 

Thank you. 

(Boli walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage) 

Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face each other. You have five minutes.

Bole: I’m not arrogant. The reason why only certain people can make me is that I’m special. I don’t just let anybody touch me, unlike you that agrees to be eaten by everyone. SMH, no class.

Boli: Not you trying to slut-shame me in this big 2022. Don’t hate just because you’re expensive and people don’t like buying you. At least people can afford me even when they’re broke.

Bole: Who says I’m expensive? I cost a bit more than you because I come with extra pizzazz. At the end of the day, people eat me with my pepper sauce and roasted fish and are full and satisfied. I’m a full meal. Who wants to eat plantain and groundnut after a long stressful day at work?

Boli: I’m a snack. That’s why I only come with groundnut. People need me to hold their hunger. And also to help control their diets in a healthy way.

Bole: So you’re fat shaming now?

Boli: What? That’s not what I’m doing. 

Bole: Mhm. If someone puts me with my roasted fish, side by side with you and your groundnuts, who do you think will be picked first? 

Boli: So you’re a pick me now?

Bole: What???

Boli: Why don’t you face me, plantain to plantain, without all the extras? 

Bole: The extras are what make me, me!

Boli: Ohooo, so you’re not good enough on your own? 

Bole: That’s not what I’m saying-

Boli: Ladies and gentlemen, bole has agreed that he can’t taste good on his own. Hence —

Bole: At least I’m not surrounded by dirt with all the Lagos garbage that have stained your white.

Boli: You think you’re cleaner than me? Your city is literally covered in soot!

(Everyone gasps)

Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner. 

(One of the judges walks to the stage) 

Judge: Let me start by saying that both of you are winners. It’s just that one person must come first.

Bole and Boli: 

Judge: Although there were a few low blows here and there, you both made solid arguments. After much deliberation, the best roasted plantain between PH Bole and Lagos Boli is…